Judah

Hi love.  It's February 17th.  I'm sitting at work.  I've been thinking about you all morning.   The past few weeks have been a little tough for you and I.  I started back to work a little over a month ago and it's been a bumpy transition.   Every day gets better. 

I love you so much Judah!  Last night I put you to be and sat with you for a little bit.  You held on to my neck and you said I love you mommy and planted a big wet kiss on my cheek. 

My heart melted and I fought hard not to start crying.  

You are becoming your own little person, son.  You will be 3 years old in May.  It's hard to believe that so much time has gone by.  I'm trying my hardest to savor every moment.   To soak up your sweet innocence.   There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you, love.  Sometimes we are driving home and you fall asleep in your car seat.  I take you out and you wrap your little arms around me and nuzzle your sweet face next to my neck and all I can feel is honored and blessed to be your mommy. 

My prayer every night is that I raise you to be a great man.  A man that loves the Lord, that is respectful,  honest, caring, giving and one that stands up for good even if you stand alone.  I pray that I am a good example to you that I show you how to go after your dreams.  That through me you learn to me bold and a leader.  I want you to have a passion and I want you to use it to drive you to work for the things that your heart desires.   

You, my dear are currently a handful.  You're going through this...stage.   Although it's tough for me to handle at times, you are learning limits, learning to be brave and confident.  To assert yourself and sometimes fight for what you want. 

I love you, pumpkin.   As crazy as some moments are.... I wouldn't trade them for the world.

♥mommy

New Year

Last night Judah and I spent the night cuddling, watching a documentary on killer whales.  There was no place that I would have rather been.  Last night I was lying in bed thinking about the things that happened in 2013 and where I wanted to be in 2014.  Normally I don't really do the whole resolution thing.  I think that every morning that your feet hit the floor is a new opportunity to change.  

But this year I start with list in hand.  Things I want to do.  Things I want to see and experience.  Places that I want to travel to and places that I want to take Judah.  On this list there are also the things that I want to forget, let go of and honestly just move on from.  Looking back on this year it really seems that I spent a lot of days looking in the rear view mirror.  Daydreaming of what I wanted and not enough of actually making it happen.  There was some reminiscing of the "good days" and some of the bad days too.  

Driving today it really hit me just how much of this year I missed.  But I'm ready for this year 2014.  I just know that God is going to do great things in our lives.  I don't usually share things like this but for the purpose of this post I will tell you.  

The other night I fell asleep on my brothers couch.  I was tired and didn't feel like driving all the way home but anyway I laid there for a little while thinking about things, about Judah and about our lives.  I started to pray and I started to cry.  I felt so beat down.  I really felt like that kid that gets their lunch taken away day after day after day.  Well you get my point.  Over the last year I prayed and asked God for things and even through my tough days I tried my hardest to help who I could.  I tried to be positive and grateful for the things that I was blessed with.  Most days I felt like my prayers were simply floating aimlessly.  Lost.  

So that night I began to ask God why.  Why did He seem to be ignoring my prayers. My tears. My cries for help.  I prayed/cried myself to sleep and I had a dream.  

In my dream there was a man facing an empty field.  He was tired and visibly worn but he was planting little seeds as he walked.  The land in front of him was dry and dusty.  He looked to the sky and started crying.  He laid himself on the ground and began to sob asking God why had he not answered his prayers, that all he could see was just dead and barren.  And at that very moment God told him to stand up and look behind where he had been walking.  When the man turned he began to weep again because behind him was a beautiful field, full and green.  God spoke to him again saying: I heard all of those prayers. All of those storms that you went though and all of those tears you cried were just watering what I am preparing you for.  Just because you didn't see it doesn't mean I didn't hear you.  Nothing has gone unnoticed.  

I woke up the next morning to a phone call from a company with a job offer, M-F no weekends, and the hours will allow me to have time to spend with Judah.  The pay and the benefits are excellent.  This job is truly a blessing. 

I know down deep that we will be more than okay.  That if I leave the heavy lifting to God that He will supply my need and then some.  I am so grateful for all that God has allowed me to have.  I'm thankful for the great and the not so great.  They have shaped me.  

There is a quote that I have seen that says " you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option that you have" and I'm beyond words thankful that I don't have to do it alone.

- Angela 

2013

2013 was probably one of the craziest years that I have had.  This year I was living with my sister and her family.  Our divorce was finalized in March of this year.  I moved into my own apartment.  I lost my job.  I hurt.  I fell down and stayed down for a while. I cried a lot. I learned that things change, situations change and that people change.  I dated some and quickly realized that it was too soon.  I hoped and dreamed.  I lost. I prayed and I understood why things did or didn't happen the way that I planned.  I complained and wallowed in a big pool of self pity.... almost all year long.  

But in this year I also fought. I loved.  I laughed a lot.  I made new friends.  I was blessed with another year with my son.  Despite being unemployed God never ceased to provide for me and Judah.  I prayed and God answered.  I was blessed with a job that only God could have opened a door for.  I got up.  Learned to keep going.  I hoped and I dreamed.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable.  I watched Judah grow, listened to him laugh and sometimes cry.  I was the best mom I could be.  I was reminded of just how much I am loved by my family and friends; reminded that despite feeling lonely at times that I am never alone.  

This upcoming year I want to do things a little a lot different.  I want to slow down and enjoy life, spend time with Judah, laugh more, spend more time with family and friends.  Hopefully this year I can do more things with Judah.  My plan is to do something different with him every month.  Doesn't have to be anything big.  Maybe a museum or a new park, Sea World or Disney world or the beach.  I want to take care of myself too.  Physically, emotionally and spiritually.  

I'm really excited about what 2014 will bring.  Happy early New Year. 

-Angela

Dear Judah

Dear Judah,

I just wanted to take a second to tell you just how much I love you. You are about 5 minutes away from your 3rd birthday. I can't believe how time has just flown by. You got this been all week with me baby and I loved every minute. This pictures of you and I just being silly. You didn't want me to put you down everytime I try to you calling your little legs around me your arms around my neck saying no mommy no down.  I have no idea what I would do without you.  

I miss you from the moment you walk out of the door. You're such a smart little boy.  You are kind and caring and really really silly.  You love to goof off and make me laugh.  just the other day you realize that you can roll your eyesand when you're acting really silly your roll your eyes or wink at me. Especially when it's time for bed, you'll try anything in order for me not to put you to bed. Each night I come into your room and cover you up. I love seeing your little face curled up in a blanket.

You are growing way to fast.  Please slow down love.

Love, 

mommy

My sleeping prince

At 2:47 a.m. This little monster decided that he was going to come lay in my bed. It's uncomfortable and he pushes me to the very edge of the bed, I get elbows and legs shoved into my ribs.  But there's nothing like kissing on his sleeping face.

-Angela

Letter to Judahs future step mom

{Dear Step-mom,

I am writing you this letter to tell you about how I feel about you in my sons life.  Moving on for his dad and I is inevitable. So I know that one day you will be a major part of his life.  As a little girl I dreamed of one day getting married and having a family.  Little did I know that getting pregnant would not be easy at all but I can tell you that every needle prick, doctors appointment and even the scary moments were worth every moment.  

If I can be honest with you.  You scare me.  I don't know you at all.  Yet you will be around a very important piece of my heart.  My stomach sinks at the that thought that you could not have my sons best intentions.  That you could hurt him.  That you could push him away.  That you could make him sad or even physically hurt him.  I pray that this will never happen.  

You see, Judah is my very breath.  For six short months I felt him move and kick.  For months I sat in the hospital by his bedside praying and hoping that he would be okay.  I know where each of his little curls fall. I know his smile.  I would do anything for him.  He is my heart.  I don't know if you will have children or not but if you do you know exactly what I mean.

So here is my request to you.  Please love my baby. Please.  Please be an extension of me.  Kiss his boo-boos.  Bake him cookies.  Be patient with him.  He's a little boy and can be a handful at times.  Let him have time with his daddy.  Encourage it.  Make him laugh.  Please protect him and please don't ever hurt him.  I think it goes without saying, but if one day your lose your marbles and decide that you are going to hurt him just know that you will see a kind of crazy that you have never seen.  

Love him.  Really love him because if anyone will recognize fake affection and love, it will be him.

Sincerely,

Judahs Mommy}

This is what I would say to her.  I'm sad because I don't know and because it's something I can't control.  I pray hard that whoever this woman is she will be good for Judah.  My heart would stop beating if anything ever happened to him.

- Angela

My little artist

On our way back from picking up Judah from his dads house a few weeks ago.   He was in the back seat saying *mommy drawing mommy*. Lol. My little Picasso. 

Shake your groove thang baby!!

This was Judah a couple months ago at my cousins wedding.  I must say my little man can move.  I love love love this little boy!

Hi blog world!!

For those of you that are still following, let me take a moment to say I'M BACK!  It's been several months since I last posted anything so let me start with the most recent info.  Here is Judah.  My baby is growing up :(.  He turned two and a half this past November and I am a little sad that my little nugget is getting older.  

The last time that I posted anything Judah and I had just moved into our apartment, Judah had a birthday, .  To say that things were a little crazy is an understatement.  It was quite an adjustment having to do things on my own.  Being alone was very scary...at first.  Slowly things fell into place and we have adjusted quite nicely.  

My baby is talking a lot more.  I absolutely ADORE when he calls me MOM, he sounds so grown up.  I'm trying to potty train and it has not been easy.  I just got him a potty watch so hopefully that will help both of us. 

Other things that have gone on.  I was laid off from work a couple of months ago.  Things have been stretched a little thin but thankfully God has been very good to me and we have survived.  Just last week I went for an interview and got the job.  I am beside myself, this job is a blessing in more ways than one.  

I attempted to have some what of a dating life, but that is proving to be a little more difficult than I initially thought.  I've been praying about somethings and I just know that God will bring that person into my life when the time is right.  Right?  I'm realizing that there really isn't a need to rush things.  Enjoying Judah is my top priority at this point.  I have some fun plans for us this coming year.  He's getting to that age that he is enjoying and understanding more.  The plan is to keep this blog updated.  For me and for Judah :)

- Angela 

Almost two

Dear mom.. I'm two!

Oh my goondess!! WHO took my sweet baby and replaced him with this little monster???  This was Judah at the doctors office.  Throwing a fit.  

I really didn't think this could really happen to me :( lol.... I have seen these little monsters in the stores, in the streets throwing fits while I lovingly hold Judah.  Giving him kisses, whispering "oh im so glad i have such a laied back little boy".  

Appenrantly I spoke too soon!!! Those darn terrible two's are here with a vengeance   And as much as I wish they weren't, they are here to stay.  

One heck of a morning

This morning was one heck of a morning.  I feel like I'm slowly losing steam.  I'm exhausted this morning.

Last night Judah came home from his grandpa's house and he was in a super mood, and by super I mean he was fussy and really clingy.  He is still trying to get over this cold and it is taking a toll on his little body.  After a little bit of dinner, bath and a breathing treatment he was asking to go to his bed.  My poor little man was just as tired as his mommy.

Moving time is next Friday and it really cannot get here fast enough.  My/Judah's room is a wreck.  Everything that I own is in one room.  Without closet or dresser space so you can really imagine just how crazy it looks in there.  I think that it's probably why I'm feeling so crappy.  But soon, very soon we will have our own space.

Anyway, back to this morning.  Judah and I woke up.  Got dressed in our crazy room.  I left the house with wet hair and no makeup.  Blah. We drove to Whataburger for breakfast and my baby wouldn't eat.  I think the cold pretty much obliterated his appetite   I hate when he doesn't eat, especially now that he's in daycare.    Then we got caught in a 30 min delay in traffic which I think we really needed.  We talked and sang all the way to daycare. LOL.  Until we got to the building, where he started to whine and then cry.  I wanted to cry.

So there you have it.  My morning.

My sicky poo

This morning I cried

This morning driving to work, I cried.  I cried because I am SO very tired.  On Wednesday Judah was sick. On Thursday I came to work for half a day and spent the rest of the afternoon caring for my sick baby.  Friday he was even worse so we went to the doctor.  One chest xray, three breathing treatments, and one dose of steroids later we went home.

Judah spent Saturday afternoon and Sunday with dad.  Came home still feeling sick.  I feel so bad, I wish that I could take his place.  Early this morning, five a.m. to be exact, he was up.  Crying.  I brought him to be with me where he tossed and turned for a while.  Put him back in the bed, where he tossed and turned for the next hour.  :(

He finally fell asleep around six o'clock but I couldn't.  :(  Then he woke up again around six thirty.  We got ready.  And on the way to daycare, my baby fell asleep.  He looked so peaceful.  I know that he was so tired.  This morning I wish that there were three of me.  One to take Judah home and let him sleep, one to crawl into bed and sleep and the last one to go to work.  I'm so pooped.

My prayer is that once we move into our new place things will calm down and we'll be able to just sit back and relax.

Days until I move: 11.

- Angela

Feeling frustrated

I feel so frustrated right now. I feel like I'm running on fumes and even that is about to go out.  So many changes in the past  few months have left me spinning to say the least. My body is tired.  We are moving in one week and five days. The 29th cannot get here fast enough.

I finally got the paperwork from the attorney and I have to admit that I cried. Sitting there in the parking lot of the attorneys office I cried as I read our names followed by the words dissolution of marriage. There are days that is doesn't seem real. But it is. And the last days if being a married woman are finally here. My heart is broken into a million pieces over this, but you cannot force someone to love you no matter how much you think that they should.  

I know life will go on. And maybe one day I will find some one new. Big changes.  Most days I don't feel like I could take any more life altering changes.

One way ticket to the great unknown.

Angela

This morning he cried

As of Monday, he started daycare.  Only a parent who had dropped off their child to daycare for the first time can understand how I felt on Monday.  He didn't cry when I left because I creeped out when he wasn't looking.  I felt so bad.  It was like I was leaving a little piece of my heart behind. {sad face}   

I hate that I have to leave him but I know that along with the fact that I have to, he will make friends and socialize with kids his own age.  From what his teacher told me, he had no problems playing with the other kids.  I can't believe how much he has grown.  Last night I was scanning through some old pictures and I found one of me holding him just days after he was born and he was so small.  

Now my eyes water when he does something new.  He is so smart and so loving and sweet.  I am so proud and honored to be his mommy.  Being a mommy to this little one isn't always easy.  Terrible-twos are just around the corner.  It's beginning to show its ugly little head here and there like the other day when he threw a fit just outside of the car door because he did not want to get off.  But I'm learning that even those moments are precious and soon he will grow too old for fits.  I will post pics of that little fiasco later on.

- Angela 

Life as I know it

For the past several days I have been really struggling with the fact that the life that I once knew is pretty much over.  Some days are better than others.  Some weeks I'm fine.  I'm happy and content with spending my days with my handsome little man.  But then there are days and weeks for that matter that are just plain hard.  

A friend, who also recently went through a divorce, said that the first year or so will be the hardest to deal with and I could not agree more.  So far Thanksgiving and Christmas were pretty tough. Especially around my   brothers and sisters, seeing them together, happy, enjoying each other.  Judah's birthday is the next big event with us.  

I really don't know how to even precede with planning and all that good stuff.  Things are okay between dad and I, but I don't know if I'm ready to celebrate things together    I've talked to a few people that say that getting along and even trying things out together just makes things easier all around.  I don't think that I am ready just yet.  I don't really know what I'm going to do.  

But anyway, I think that this move will be good for me.  Maybe it will help get my mind off of some things and focused on the more positive things in my life.  

On another note, Judah will be starting daycare next month when I move.  I'm a big baby and just might cry more than he will.  I'm excited that he will make new friends and have a environment that will stimulate his thinking. :) 

Let's play catch up

I just had to start this post of a pic of my little man.  I can't believe that he will be 2 years old in a few months.  He is such a big boy now.  And I am madly in love with him.  There is nothing in the world that compares to waking up and hearing him talking on his monitor or having his little caramel-skin arms wrapped tightly around my neck.  I love love love being a mom.  I'm trying my very best to be the best mom for my Judah.

Over the past several months, so many things have changed.  In a nut shell husband is now ex-husband.  Or will be in the next week or so.  These past months have been pretty challenging. Judah had seriously been sick off and on since November and just last weekend I had to take him to the emergency room...diagnosed with pneumonia. :(  Boo for that.  But he is much better now after a good dose of antibiotics this last week.  Thankfully Spring is right around the corner so hopefully no more gross germs. 

Ummm... I'm currently living with my sister and her family, but come April Judah and I are off on our own!! I'm beyond excited.  I think we are both ready to be in our own place. I've been planning like a mad woman.  My little hands can't wait to start decorating. :) 

As far as the separation/divorce go, I won't talk much about it here.  But for the record, Judah's dad is a really great dad.  He really loves our son.  Despite the fact that we are no longer together, I'm blessed in that he loves and cares for Judah very much.  

So begins the adventures of mommy and baby.  

-Angela   

Judahs first hair cut

11/10/2012