New Year

Last night Judah and I spent the night cuddling, watching a documentary on killer whales.  There was no place that I would have rather been.  Last night I was lying in bed thinking about the things that happened in 2013 and where I wanted to be in 2014.  Normally I don't really do the whole resolution thing.  I think that every morning that your feet hit the floor is a new opportunity to change.  

But this year I start with list in hand.  Things I want to do.  Things I want to see and experience.  Places that I want to travel to and places that I want to take Judah.  On this list there are also the things that I want to forget, let go of and honestly just move on from.  Looking back on this year it really seems that I spent a lot of days looking in the rear view mirror.  Daydreaming of what I wanted and not enough of actually making it happen.  There was some reminiscing of the "good days" and some of the bad days too.  

Driving today it really hit me just how much of this year I missed.  But I'm ready for this year 2014.  I just know that God is going to do great things in our lives.  I don't usually share things like this but for the purpose of this post I will tell you.  

The other night I fell asleep on my brothers couch.  I was tired and didn't feel like driving all the way home but anyway I laid there for a little while thinking about things, about Judah and about our lives.  I started to pray and I started to cry.  I felt so beat down.  I really felt like that kid that gets their lunch taken away day after day after day.  Well you get my point.  Over the last year I prayed and asked God for things and even through my tough days I tried my hardest to help who I could.  I tried to be positive and grateful for the things that I was blessed with.  Most days I felt like my prayers were simply floating aimlessly.  Lost.  

So that night I began to ask God why.  Why did He seem to be ignoring my prayers. My tears. My cries for help.  I prayed/cried myself to sleep and I had a dream.  

In my dream there was a man facing an empty field.  He was tired and visibly worn but he was planting little seeds as he walked.  The land in front of him was dry and dusty.  He looked to the sky and started crying.  He laid himself on the ground and began to sob asking God why had he not answered his prayers, that all he could see was just dead and barren.  And at that very moment God told him to stand up and look behind where he had been walking.  When the man turned he began to weep again because behind him was a beautiful field, full and green.  God spoke to him again saying: I heard all of those prayers. All of those storms that you went though and all of those tears you cried were just watering what I am preparing you for.  Just because you didn't see it doesn't mean I didn't hear you.  Nothing has gone unnoticed.  

I woke up the next morning to a phone call from a company with a job offer, M-F no weekends, and the hours will allow me to have time to spend with Judah.  The pay and the benefits are excellent.  This job is truly a blessing. 

I know down deep that we will be more than okay.  That if I leave the heavy lifting to God that He will supply my need and then some.  I am so grateful for all that God has allowed me to have.  I'm thankful for the great and the not so great.  They have shaped me.  

There is a quote that I have seen that says " you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option that you have" and I'm beyond words thankful that I don't have to do it alone.

- Angela 

2013

2013 was probably one of the craziest years that I have had.  This year I was living with my sister and her family.  Our divorce was finalized in March of this year.  I moved into my own apartment.  I lost my job.  I hurt.  I fell down and stayed down for a while. I cried a lot. I learned that things change, situations change and that people change.  I dated some and quickly realized that it was too soon.  I hoped and dreamed.  I lost. I prayed and I understood why things did or didn't happen the way that I planned.  I complained and wallowed in a big pool of self pity.... almost all year long.  

But in this year I also fought. I loved.  I laughed a lot.  I made new friends.  I was blessed with another year with my son.  Despite being unemployed God never ceased to provide for me and Judah.  I prayed and God answered.  I was blessed with a job that only God could have opened a door for.  I got up.  Learned to keep going.  I hoped and I dreamed.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable.  I watched Judah grow, listened to him laugh and sometimes cry.  I was the best mom I could be.  I was reminded of just how much I am loved by my family and friends; reminded that despite feeling lonely at times that I am never alone.  

This upcoming year I want to do things a little a lot different.  I want to slow down and enjoy life, spend time with Judah, laugh more, spend more time with family and friends.  Hopefully this year I can do more things with Judah.  My plan is to do something different with him every month.  Doesn't have to be anything big.  Maybe a museum or a new park, Sea World or Disney world or the beach.  I want to take care of myself too.  Physically, emotionally and spiritually.  

I'm really excited about what 2014 will bring.  Happy early New Year. 

-Angela

My sleeping prince

At 2:47 a.m. This little monster decided that he was going to come lay in my bed. It's uncomfortable and he pushes me to the very edge of the bed, I get elbows and legs shoved into my ribs.  But there's nothing like kissing on his sleeping face.

-Angela

Letter to Judahs future step mom

{Dear Step-mom,

I am writing you this letter to tell you about how I feel about you in my sons life.  Moving on for his dad and I is inevitable. So I know that one day you will be a major part of his life.  As a little girl I dreamed of one day getting married and having a family.  Little did I know that getting pregnant would not be easy at all but I can tell you that every needle prick, doctors appointment and even the scary moments were worth every moment.  

If I can be honest with you.  You scare me.  I don't know you at all.  Yet you will be around a very important piece of my heart.  My stomach sinks at the that thought that you could not have my sons best intentions.  That you could hurt him.  That you could push him away.  That you could make him sad or even physically hurt him.  I pray that this will never happen.  

You see, Judah is my very breath.  For six short months I felt him move and kick.  For months I sat in the hospital by his bedside praying and hoping that he would be okay.  I know where each of his little curls fall. I know his smile.  I would do anything for him.  He is my heart.  I don't know if you will have children or not but if you do you know exactly what I mean.

So here is my request to you.  Please love my baby. Please.  Please be an extension of me.  Kiss his boo-boos.  Bake him cookies.  Be patient with him.  He's a little boy and can be a handful at times.  Let him have time with his daddy.  Encourage it.  Make him laugh.  Please protect him and please don't ever hurt him.  I think it goes without saying, but if one day your lose your marbles and decide that you are going to hurt him just know that you will see a kind of crazy that you have never seen.  

Love him.  Really love him because if anyone will recognize fake affection and love, it will be him.

Sincerely,

Judahs Mommy}

This is what I would say to her.  I'm sad because I don't know and because it's something I can't control.  I pray hard that whoever this woman is she will be good for Judah.  My heart would stop beating if anything ever happened to him.

- Angela

Hi blog world!!

For those of you that are still following, let me take a moment to say I'M BACK!  It's been several months since I last posted anything so let me start with the most recent info.  Here is Judah.  My baby is growing up :(.  He turned two and a half this past November and I am a little sad that my little nugget is getting older.  

The last time that I posted anything Judah and I had just moved into our apartment, Judah had a birthday, .  To say that things were a little crazy is an understatement.  It was quite an adjustment having to do things on my own.  Being alone was very scary...at first.  Slowly things fell into place and we have adjusted quite nicely.  

My baby is talking a lot more.  I absolutely ADORE when he calls me MOM, he sounds so grown up.  I'm trying to potty train and it has not been easy.  I just got him a potty watch so hopefully that will help both of us. 

Other things that have gone on.  I was laid off from work a couple of months ago.  Things have been stretched a little thin but thankfully God has been very good to me and we have survived.  Just last week I went for an interview and got the job.  I am beside myself, this job is a blessing in more ways than one.  

I attempted to have some what of a dating life, but that is proving to be a little more difficult than I initially thought.  I've been praying about somethings and I just know that God will bring that person into my life when the time is right.  Right?  I'm realizing that there really isn't a need to rush things.  Enjoying Judah is my top priority at this point.  I have some fun plans for us this coming year.  He's getting to that age that he is enjoying and understanding more.  The plan is to keep this blog updated.  For me and for Judah :)

- Angela 

She stole the words from my heart.....

This song is dedicated to you my love!

{Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No, no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14, there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older, too
And don't lose the way that you dance around
In your PJs getting ready for school

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

No one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps... }

(never grow up: Taylor Swift)

September 2012 16 months old

I just don't know...

Okay, for the past several weeks I have contemplated going back to work full time.  Only a couple of weeks before I gave birth to Judah I received that dreadful layoff notice from my job.  It really caught me off guard as I was planning to return to work after 6 weeks of being at home with my little one.

Well as life would have it things did not turn out the way that I had planned them.  Figure that.  For starters I didn't plan on having Judah so soon.  After he was born I knew that the likelihood of me returning to work so soon was probably out of the question.  Fast forward almost a year and a half and I find myself here... torn.

There is the working mom part of me that is ready to get back to work and have really conversations over real lunch.  don't get me wrong, I LOVE being home with Judah.  I love waking up to his sweet babbles and sweet smiles in the morning and I love kissing and loving on him all day long.  But then there is a part of me that feels bad that there is not a class room full of kids to play with (which he loves by the way) and that there is no other kids around to get into trouble with.

For the past several days I have been pouring over day care centers.  Looking through ratings and comments to try and find the perfect one. 

What do you do?  I wish there were two of me....

Happy birthday to meeeee

So yesterday the 6th was my 30th birthday.  To be honest I really don't feel any different than I did at 29 or 28 for that matter.  David, Judah and I spent a quite evening here together just the three of us.  I loved just sitting around in my pajamas relaxing on the couch.  At thirty there is not much more that I could ask for that I don't already have.

I have a loving husband who does for me just because.  I have a sweet beautiful baby boy who makes me smile with his silliness.  And a loving family.

I cannot forget my friends.  I love them.  Each of them for who they are and for letting me be a part of their lives.  I am blessed.

I want the next 30 to be twice as amazing.  I want to do some traveling with my family.  I want to finally lose some of this weight.  I want to be less critical of others and more content with the here and now.

My prayer is to be the best me that I can be.

Hello World!

Welcoming the newest princess to our family.  Baby Emma.